xxxxooo

I've been looking for a faux fur hat, I might not use it much. But it will probably make me feel better in times of a bad trip.

I want to give.

Once when I was a child, my parents scolded me and I had never felt the feeling of remorse, disgust, and hatred all at the same time. I decided that i would forever and ever, stay in my room and never leave. I packed two pieces of bread and put butter on each of them. One for dinner, and the next day whenever I was hungry. I stayed under the work table in my room crying for hours and finally I gave up.

I don't understand why it came rushing back to me, partially because this and that involves the same emotions. Sometimes I think the word family is an overstatement for the way my brother treats me.

Much of None.

Magic mushrooms and the sky of tomorrow. Oh I'm tempted over Thanksgiving break, even with the arousal of finals.

Thinking of next year makes me wonder about NYC, Amsterdam besides interning in HK. More shrooms and softcore light hallucinations never get me wild about to tone down.

Oh I'm so tired. This weekend will be off, I long for catching up with old friends, a gazillion movies and really just blowing the pipe.

I(heart)

If this was how I spend money here, I think I need half a million to entertain ourselves when we visit NYC.

RIP Daul KIm

When did I type this?

The bank called and deactivated my account because they thought my card got stolen. So are they trying to get back at me for spending too much money?

In other news, I cannot get enough of Alexander Wang. I am buying his whole store everywhere I go. I want a flagship boutique in san francisco, either that, or I might have to fly down to LA again another weekend just for a sole purpose to marry his clothes. I feel so sick and disgusted at my behavior but it's really nothing retail therapy can't cover.

I still can't get over how amazing LA was, with cotton candy foie gras, wagyu beef with liquid air cheese, spending hours at openingceremony, trying on gloves at Alexander Mcqueen...

Back to reality, sf feels like a blur now. Like some homeless cat shelter.

I need more money. More more money. Twenty thousand by tomorrow might mean I have something to eat next month. I love my life!

OK, next stop, Helmut Lang & the Chanel lambskin electric blue flap bag to add to the collexion.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Images from opening ceremony.

Finally another Wes Anderson film to covet over.

Today wasn't a good day. I guess starting your day at one is really too early and letting chai tea latte do your stomach a favor till eight only seemed to allow the jittery-ness erupt from within. I spent the last hour in class squirming and banging my chair against the wall much to J.P's dismay. And she kept droning on about irrelevant typography and the placement of text in indesign with the thousand tools and ways you could achieve it. I am glad we managed to submit the urbanforestproject designs in class today because it took up half of the class trying to meet the ridikulouz requirements of the organization.

The house is strangely loud again and it feels a little odd having to retreat back into a corner. It has changed because things are new and strange, in a very neutral way. Perhaps something at the back of the frontal lobe needs a little adjustment change instead of constantly muttering that i dont' care or want to.

It looked like my overalls won't be shipped by Thursday (should we leave for L.A.) Everything hasn't been planned and though I would like to say, as usual, I can't because this is who we really are.

In other news, I have a definite liking to (mostly) all things eighties. Multicolored band visors and eye-popping gay dance moves. The credit card sponsored by Daddy came today and I must suppress the urge to spend like a wild hog at shotwell/diesel/haight/union/chestnut. My life is a blur.

It is true that Peggy Moffitt had one of the ultimate hairstyles of all time, which makes me not want to grow it long anymore.

I also got my book up and running. It looks lovely, I will scan them in one day.

I want this so bad.

the shirt, not the girl, but whatever.

It's so gorgeous!

Next in stock, bandage boots!

For the first time in my life, I thought about the moon.

I used to think people who have obsessions with outer-space/milkyway are losers. I take that back. So if the moon wasn't there, then, oh thats sad.

They are in fact people who are merely lost in their own thoughts/ or have ocd.

Also, I love fur. I'm tired of being some animal activist . I have no morals, so there.

Opening Ceremony

Hunter and I cleaned the toilet today. It is now (not-really) amazingly clean but we did what we could compared to how dingy and grubby it has taught itself to be the past six months. Its surprising how we transformed it to such a dungeon in the first place. No one would be happy to see it. We used more than six pairs of gloves because we kept screaming ew gross or muckmuckmuck halfway and taking them off. We are babies.

I have been coping with school with the constant adoration of Wednesday 250pm to come before I can hooray and dance down 2nd street, but I never do anyway, so instead I dance inside of my faggot minded heart. I dropped my old mac on my foot the other day and I yelled for a couple of seconds before noticing the wide dent on the side of it's frame. Hunter said I needn't care about it since I have a new one but my heart sort of hurts.

Next week we'll probably be driving down to LA for a roadtrip. I can't wait for opening ceremony, cake, bape, rojas, scout&...

Memory

Thats right, I long for the memory of flashing lights and I adore how I was surrounded by love from the core of inanimate objects.

make it

I feel kind of sick. I went down to ace after art direction to pick up a pumpkin carving kit but they were all sold out. So instead I'm really sitting around at home watching friends and thinking about how sick I feel. It's weird.

The after midterm effect

Another monday and I'm glad I only have art direction black and white comps due on wednesday. We've been living off Pirouettes and some sort of semi unsweetened white bread the past few days. I've never been so broke in my life but I do know that I will still be spending alot of money this weekend with the arrival of halloween, pumpkin carving and everything mitchell&shotwell. I'm really enriched with sleeping at 6/7 in the morning, I love dozing off when the sun comes up. I live on chai tea latte during illustrator/indesign classes and today erupted into a really cold day. It was not nice to walk back, I hate the dark. I miss Hide and Arthur, I hope they come back soon so I can try beating them at wii, watch movies and laugh really loudly not caring about everyone else on the road.

the urban forest project was due in class today, I'm glad thats over.

i remembered

my phone died, my body aches so bad, so much work to do, i can't get out of bed and I have to pick up all these little pieces in time for tomorrow. It's almost halloween, we're costumeless, eventless because there are so many, I hate being 19 in the city and my period should come soon. Also, I cannot buy any more cameras, or a scanner, because i m -2.

blame

I hate long hard fights over absolutely nothing.

black

illustrations by Stephanie Daoud

2346972497542

It rained

I don't really like it when it rains just when I'm about to head out for my midterm exam, or wait for twenty minutes for the cab in the rain, realize I've forgotten to print out my lamp design two minutes before class, and panic that I have insufficient time for the midterm assignments. I dread midterm wk. I cried because of midterms. I hate midterms. I hate art midterms.

merging tattoo thighs and live paint

Recently I have been thinking of getting a scanner, but amidst saving up for a weekend gateaway to another bustling city or going crazy shopping on weekends, I don't have much hope. I've been to New York twice, at least when I could vividly remember emotions and taut memories, but I still have a yearning to live there. I'm not sure if this desire is manifested by lust of the city or shining lights4ever. I tend to cling onto this memory of sunlight beaconing into the glass windows on the twenty fourth floor, or when I reach the lobby and smell the dirty, fresh air of NYC, I will crumble at the sights of the neon lights each begging for my attention.

I think hearts speak a soul like we can never replace with words.

This weekend I have done nothing. I've put off the visits to the museums, shopping, movie outings, and have just been staying home, perfecting my sandwich making/ asian styles sweet bread and I can really say I feel a sense of numbness.

83109283988

unai

A rush to the head and I find myself stumbling for words at such an awkward moment, could I lie again? I've been doing it for so long we should all be used to it now. I play the game like the others but it is far too distracting when you hear them recite words of wisdom practiced in front of the mirror to entice everyone else that they are true. All along this, I don't really care anymore. I know I used to, and sometimes I still do but we are merely practicing common courtesy like long lost friends reuniting after mistakes made.

I cover up all these awkwardness by playing it cool; stroking her hair, clutching onto the coffee cup, licking my lips like I really don't care but you hope I do and I know I do inside. I've never thought its easy to forget the first, but I've undermined your existence by thinking it would be so easy to throw you out like I've done so many times before. Our paths constantly cross like they will in the future because our choices are always intertwined, and I know I still have to prove myself to you. It never matters how the progression of the battle goes because when I win at the end, I always feel like I've lost. I've never thought of coming in second to you, because that might be so ideal. I've pushed myself so I'll never stay in the shadow of your inadequacy. And inside, I am merely crumbling with everyone else around me I cling on to. I lie back with a hunch, the mug in my hand. As the steam rises, the aroma floats around and I always, always hope you are looking at me and hoping I am thinking of you.

I don't think I will ever get better.

supersoakerweekend

This weekend has treated me so well I can't even remember what I did for three days before Saturday. Perhaps it is ridiculous for me to jump so quickly at this new enjoyable newfound sidekicks that we've all developed but I think it really beats having to worry about the fickle minds of everyone else around. The B-Boy; now Biscuit boy and Andrew came to town yesterday afternoon and all of us went to watch Paranormal Activity at Matreon. It was so enjoyable seeing the boys act stupid (as stupid as I really am on the inside) and make fun of demons. Biscuit boy did windmills and flares whilst popping and locking before we went to kefeske for a late supper. Nineteen eighty eight had a very adorable (little friend) of a lighter which I really wanted because it seemed so magical. It was so small that he couldn't get it out of his (tight) pants after getting high on the night of lovefest. If we ate two eighths or more, I would've gone crazy with the twirling of both of my hands instead of one. Both Derrek and Biscuit boy showed off their skillz giving us a little taste of their very different talents. Biscuit boy became slightly wired after eating half the set of biscuits at dinner. I adore seeing them go all crazy, eating like they're never gonna get it again. Darin got two dollar weed from the guy outside and carried it in his palm till we walked back to the building. The security guard did give us a look when the six of us came back. After which followed, ten minute random naps, street fighter, me getting my ass whooped, the boyz playing fight night 4, me thinking I almost won nineteen eighty eight the first time I play the game, but I lost anyway at the third round, ten round fight nights btw biscuit boy and andrew, pineapple express till four in the morning and finally crumbling onto the bed. And the zzz which followed the mundane late afternoon after lunch with the boyz at Kantanaya. Biscuit and Andrew dropped Darin, Hunter and I at Noah's for Jose's birthday party. The outdoor fireplace is wicked. We're all wicked. Sweet.

Eclipse

10am. Rinse. Water. Drip. Dry. Sparkle. Dry. Dry. Dry. Ache. Play. Dress. Go. Go. Hunter. Go. 14. Sunny. Thunder. Stairs. 2nd. Move. Move. Hat. Scream. Sunnier. Pack. Clothes. Desperate. Camera. Money. Lv. Itch. Yam. Hyped. Lovefest. Keys. Lock Lock. Virgin Mary. Bloody hell. Afternoon Run. Van Ness. Backpacks. Shit. Summer. Sutter. 620. Candy. Glasses. Korean. Thin. Avenue. Hills. Down. Up. Down. Stumble for the keys. Magic. Appearance. Darin. Ice. Time. 2. 3. Cash. 45. Set up. Aura Lamp. Night. Toby. Liz. Weed shirt. Green is the way to go. Wallet Packed. 15. Thousands. Molly. Small little packages. Ready? Ready. Socks. Shoe. Keys. Cash. Hype. Geary. Tenderloin. Pizza. Famous. Consume. Walk. Civic Center/ City Hall. Barricades. Caged up. 10. 20. Line. Go. Wonder. Trucks. Fluids. Ten-Thousand. Water. Beer. Hippies. unHomeless. Sunny. Tranny. Naked. Hype. Hype. Hype. Hype. Homework. Dreams. Searching for treasure. Darin. Crowd. Candy Hunter Denise. Back. Crowd. Push. Nuts. Lost. Water. Molly. Once. Break. Twice. Search. Darin. Ambulance. Lost. unFound. Scissors Paper Stone. Hunter. Stone. Right. Dance. In. Light. Shade. Out. Rave. Girls. Sweet Mother of Pearl. xtc. move bitch get outta the way. 2.5 hrs go go go go go rush like I've never rushed b4. Summer. Winter, we didn't care. we went, we saw, we got high. Alone around people. 2.5 hrs. go go go. Calming. Search. D. Brianna. Search more. None. Fuck. Text. Hope. We need it. Gave up. Geary. Hyde. Brianna's. Peona. Trevor. Toms. Shiny. I know. Nice. Happy Seth. Text. Four Eighths. See. Understand. Here. No. Excuses. Refusal. Geary. L. Wait. 1.5. 2. Fuck. Wait. Hunter. 8th floor. 1 hour. Happy Seth. Elevator. 606. Something. Shrooms. Go. Go. Wallgreens. Chocolate. Krispies. Orangina. Vitamin water. Calpico. Consume. Hit. fifteen. Candy. Fat. Sideways. Darin. Bed. Drunk. Weed. Double. Lights. Shiny. Hallucinations. On- off. On- Off. Am I peeing on someone's bed? Do I know what is really going on? The feeling stays the same. Lights. Pixels. unImages. On off. Click Clock the ticking clock. Double. Cap. 4 songs. Cigarettes that last forever. Fish eye lens. Circular room. Two in one. Complain. Good Trip Good Trip. Calm down. 4 hours/5 hours/6 hours and the ache begins...

Numbers, Pixels & Colors

There was flashing, thousands of lights beaming down from the ceiling, the urge to focus disappeared and delayed time reaction began. The aura lamp we bought worked like thunder and lightning exploding into the sky. My world burst into a million colors, each yearning for my attention and I craved for more. The feeling was like no other; so slow to move, dizzy spells controlled my every movement and each signal took years to comprehend. He closed his eyes and the hearts melted into hands, red droplets confounding the tears into dreams; an urge to remain sane took me over and it felt the same way for as long as it stood. Pixels and halftone seemed to surround the room. A curve was created and I lived in a circle; a fisheye lens curved each image and made everything more fuzzy, more love-able. A song lasted for a thousand years, the cigarette even longer; it felt so right, the boys said. Never in my life had I wanted to smoke more; the light from the fuzzy warm ash left a trail of light so beautiful like the awaited aperture in the lens. we complained like babies pining for mummy's breast. We hurled into a world that was solely ours, we had nothing to mention, only actions to make. My hands grew downwards, a step back in time as it erupted into merely nothing, thousands of wrinkles formed like the branches of a tree in a matter of seconds and I ached for more fear. My heart swallowed itself and my brain did no thinking. Ancient African symbols, colors and dances surrounded the wall and I threw my pupils in every direction to consume this emotion. The ceiling danced with their own beat, each mandala and symmetrical design weaved in and out like the tips of a sewing machine, with such rhythm the colors morphed into one of its own, blurring the light instantly. Visually impaired, each touch kiss poke flick came before sight and the numbness of everything began. Biting, hitting, slapping felt so wonderful when the nerves couldn't tell right from wrong. Conversations repeated hundreds of times, an echo of each put thoughts in my brain; déjà vu. I couldn't tell if I was touching myself or someone else; I saw the same things over and over. A room split into two when the lights fought each other, one eventually empowering the other as the room blackened into nothingness. It felt like forever, my ache for the sun to rise began so quickly I forgot how long it actually was. Calming down was the hardest part, it was like eating your own eyeball over and over and over again, regurgitating it over and over to let it bubble in your stomach acid. It felt like you grew a new head; a new brain, but I know it never grows back the same.

今日 ; whips at world's end

Like the ending of the storm, you feel it in your veins like the slow rise at the beginning of a sail. The dawn is barely breaking and we yearn to curdle in our own sleep because we have the desire to dream our life away. Sometimes we have everything we truly need though we pretend it is otherwise to continue searching. I hold a sickened feeling at the tips of my fingers, slowly I bring them to a rise and let them rest on my lips because I'm curious to see how it tastes.

Play Pretend

I've been so exhausted even though we haven't been up to much. These three days have been the worst by taking its toll on me while I try to complete my homework. I think executing these ideas in weird ways are difficult but what's a challenge? Maybe I can say this now but maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow when Tula practically kills me in class. I spend my day in today till evening time when I had dinner with Hunter and Jenny at the edge of Chinatown. I didn't start my homework till nine (once again) and now I'm really paying the price.

Midnight+59

Freeform jazz and the aroma of coffee always erupts the sensual senses. I am the mind wanderer, touching things with the spoke of my hand like it is written on a cast, we are so quiet in our own solitude not bearing to be away from each other. I think weekends are the worst, when the sunshine beckons a call to rush out and answer, can I say I am not interested? I love minutes to midnight, and the hours after it. Till the break of dawn we are sunshine creatures, drenched in our own drug of laughter. There is never anything more, the little gritty stuff stuck in between our teeth is never my favorite and I curdle like a piece of bread in condensed milk. After two, the aroma of semi burnt waffles sneak through the air under the bright yellow spotlight, dripped in chocolate and and endless string of peanut butter, we tend to listen to laughter and made up words, we listen, but never hear. Breathing in, the rhythm slowly erratic my eyes cease to acknowledge a presence is different because it is always the same. The beat changes, a second song is put on the same feeling is invoked in the heart. It whiffles up your nose, the air is so clean and unscented.